My Journey To Finding Salvation

The life and conversion story of sister Zaynab McCabe

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My Journey To Finding Salvation

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Bismi-llāhi r-Raḥmāni r-Raḥīm

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

A special thank you to my husband who has helped me on this journey to Allah (SwT) and has been my blessing from Allah (SwT). I also would like to thank my family who helped me when I was young. Also to all you who helped support me in buying my book. A very huge thanks to all those who helped bring me to Islam and especially to the brother that helped me find true Islam. And lastly but mostly I give my thanks to Allah (SwT) who was my Helper in it all.

Please recite salawat with niya to give the reward to the Imam of our Time, Imam Az-Zaman (ajft) and recite al-Fatiha with the reward to be given to the beloved daughter of Imam Ali (as), Zaynab bint Ali (sa).

Introduction

So I have decided that I would write my first book, a book I hope that connects with many out there that are either converts or just those in this society where the majority is non-Muslims. Or maybe you too have faced the struggles I have and we can connect in this way. I want to tell all my respected readers my journey through this life. But I want to make it a true story in which you can see there is a way to be in this society and still obey our God.

I want you to know you are not alone and that there is ease after hardships. I will talk about my Islamic journey in Islam, as well as the journey to Islam. Like all other converts we have our story on how we came to this religion of Islam.

There are some hidden details of my story many of you may have never heard, and in this book I will be exposing my deepest secrets with intention to show many there is greener grass on the other side. So before I bore my respected readers I will jump right into my journey to finding salvation.

My Childhood

In this chapter I want to go through the first part of my life which is my early childhood until I was eighteen. In this part of my life I grew up until I was eighteen in a very rural area which was situated three hours from a city. We were a family of five which included my parents and two older sisters. I was more closer to my one sister than my other because we were closer in age and liked the same types of things growing up. Our population was maybe somewhere around one hundred and the majority of that was elders. I was raised to be respectful to elders and never talk rude to my parents and it was not ok to step out of line when dealing with my elders. I grew up as a Christian but we were not very strict. My family did not always go to church.

But my parents always tried to teach us how to be respectful and to obey the Ten Commandments, but it wasn't in our everyday teachings. I lived on a farm in which my parents raised cattle, however I remember milking cows and having chickens roaming around. We ate a lot of what we raised on the farm or grew in the garden, and I do not remember taking many trips into the city.

It wasn't until reflecting on my childhood I realised I had this fake image that everyone was Christian. I really never thought about any other religion and in fact I never really met anyone that wasn't a Christian. You can maybe even say I was in our own little world were there was no other religions around. I think the first person I knew that wasn't a Christian was a Muslim man who I use to work for when I was eighteen when I had moved to the city. Even then I really just thought he was an immigrant and not focused on a religious difference, however I wonder if this was because he acted just like the men I had grown up around.

Anyways, as a child I loved sports, I played every game but my favorite games were soccer and basketball. As a family we use to go skating on the lake and I use to curl every winter. I went all over to play against other teams and loved to ride horses, we even went into horse shows throughout the summer. I had a group of friends all throughout elementary and we would go to each other’s homes having lots of memories and good times. I remember a time that my sister and I decided we would ride our peddle bike to her friends’ house which was a good twenty minutes ride down our road. We were having a good time peddling and talking when all of a sudden a little bear came out of the ditch.

We stopped our bikes and stayed for a minute watching this little fluffy bear on our road then all of a sudden the momma bear came out, she was not impressed that we were that close to her cub. She started running after us as we turned around peddling our bikes as fast as we could towards home. I remember my sister ahead yelling for me to peddle faster! I was peddling so fast and as we got farther and farther from the baby bear, the mamma bear stooped. We continued home talking about the incident and we decided that we were not going to her friends that day.

A great part of my childhood though was me in and out of many hospitals, particularly the Children's Hospital in which I went through numerous surgeries until I was ten. You may be wondering why? Well here is my first secret revealed. I was born with a genetic syndrome called Greig cephalopolysyndactyly syndrome (GCPS for short) is a rare genetic disorder characterized by physical abnormalities affecting the fingers and toes (digits) and the head and facial (craniofacial) area. Alhamdulillah I was not greatly affected by this syndrome and it was all minor differences. However as a child who is classified as “different” it was a hard thing for me to mentally accept, it wasn't until much later that I accepted these differences, but we will come to that in later chapters. My friends never made these differences stand out and it never got in my way! Since I was so young I don't remember a lot from it, however I do remember one story in which I will share with you and this is my second secret not many know. This story was actually the reason for my love to learn and read about death. When I used to go to the hospital I would go to this little room which I think we were there for some blood work. Anyways we would go there quite often while I was in the hospital after one of my surgeries. I would get into this little toy car that I would ride around very slowly with another little girl.

I remember she didn't have hair and my mother told me that she had leukemia and that she was fighting it with the use of chemotherapy. I remember one time while we were riding in our cars I'd watch her IV bag from outside of the window of the car. I'd always be careful not to get it hurt. One time we had to go to the little room and I was very excited to play with my little friend but as I got to the room she was not there like she usually was. So my mother went and asked. My mother found out she did not make it and she had passed away. My mother told me that she would not be here no more and that she lost the battle to her leukemia. As I write this there's tears in my eyes, even though I was quite young and I remember just a little bit about it I still hold onto an attachment to that little girl and her IV bag through the car window.

There are multiple stories that my mother told me after I had growing up about what she had experienced when taking me to the Children's Hospital. I don't remember much of it but I thought it would be nice to share in part of my story. She would tell me stories about how we used to stay in a burn ward because I had to be monitored all the time after my surgery. She told me that this was the moments in her life she would never forget. She told me about a little boy who went running into his mother's kitchen and grabbed the hot oil that was on the stove, it poured onto the little child's head, and the little boy had been burnt all over the head. “It was quite gruesome to see the many burn victims in that ward” she exclaims. The stories really made you grateful for your life and sad for them as well. She also told me another story about a little child when strolling in the stroller as her parents were pushing it.

There was a hot cup of coffee sitting in the cup holder, the coffee was dripping on the child's head while she was asleep and the parents were unaware of this happening. When they realize they took the child immediately to the emergency room where the doctor said that it would be okay and told them to go home. That was the very mistake that took this child to the path of entering into that burn ward. What that emergency doctor neglected to tell them was that the coffee was still burning inside the child's head. As they reached the burn victim ward they found out this horrific event which was suppose to be only minor turned out to be that the child had still been burning inside the skin and that the skin was becoming attached to the child's skull. They were putting balloons in the child's head in order to hope that the skin would become disattached from the skull which they hoped that maybe this little girl would be able to eventually grow some hair.

I could only imagine what my mother must have went through, as I was a child I didn't remember a lot but she does remember quite a bit. It must have been very hard for her to take her little child to multiple surgeries, going in and out of hospitals and the many times she had to carry me, stroll me in the wheelchair or clean up the puke after every surgery. My mother went through a lot and she had seen a lot not just with her own daughter but with other people's children to. Throughout these years of my surgery my mother was not just my mother but a very close friend and I think that I might have been her favorite.

Anyways after many failed attempts to “correct the wrong” about me physically, in a hospital I had gone to since I was a day old, my mother would then take me on my many adventures to a Montreal Hospital.

My Broken Hopes

So the beginning of this chapter I want to share with you how my mother found out about the hospital in Montreal which was many many miles away from our home. My mother came to my elementary school and another teacher there that ran the school but also knew about the hospital that was in Montreal. He asked my mother if she had tried contacting them for help, my mom said to him “isn't that just for burn victims”? The teacher continued “no, it's not just for burn victims but that they helped a lot of children”. So they talked for a while and after a little bit we went home. There was a guy down the street that was actually part of that hospital and he was the one that sponsored us so that I could go to Montreal for free. My mom got all the paperwork done with the help of our sponsor and we were set to go.

So we went on our first trip to Montreal. This trip consisted of us meeting the doctors so that they could take x-rays and figure out a plan on how to correct what was wrong. Well if you have ever been to Montreal driving you would understand what I'm about to tell you. I didn't think we were going to make it. I could see my mother grasping on the handle as we flew around corners and slipped into the other lanes quickly. We finally arrived at our hotel and we took a deep breath as we gathered out belongings and entered the hotel giggling about how scary that was. We enjoyed going out to new restaurants and I had my first real poutine there. We went home after our short stay to prepare to come back for my first surgery there at the hospital in Montreal.

Before going to the hospital in Montreal the second time I remember imagining that they were going to fix me as if I was normal. My first trip to the hospital in Montreal had just consist of us seeing the doctors and the doctors making out a plan on how they would try to fix my feet but this time was different, this time I was suppose to be made perfect. I remember just prior to our flight, the night before I was laying with my older sister and we talked about how it would be, how this hospital was so good and I would have normal fingers and toes finally! I was so excited I could barely sleep. We got ready the next morning and drove three hours to the airport. There we quickly got on our flight but the flight consist of me sick, vomiting the whole time and sleeping between feeling sick. We finally arrived in Montreal and caught a taxi to our hotel. We spent the time eating and resting because the next day I was going to the hospital. The night went by in the strange city with loud city noises that I wasn't use to at all. We woke up early got our belongings and left to the hospital. As we got to the hospital in the crazy taxi again I was excited but nervous as I knew what surgeries were like. I clenched on to my stuffy named Taffy. We made our way to the room were a nice nurse came in and talked to my mom and I. She got me prepped for my first surgery as she put this numbing cream on my hand so the IV would not hurt. I rolled into the surgery room waving bye to my mom. I just kept thinking, this is it, I'm going to be normal. The nice nurse placed the mask on my face and asked me to count back from 10. So I started to count 10….9….8….7...6..5..4.

The next thing I remember is coming to all groggy seeing my mom there. She said “hi” I replied “hi”. I was very out of it from all the pain medication and anesthetics. I could hear my mom say that she had news for me. She continued to tell me the surgery didn't go exactly as planned and she had to make a quick decision to remove a knuckle that had been ruined from the multiple botched surgeries. She had agreed and they did it. I was so tired but just before I passed out my heart was shattered, the thought of being normal was crushed! I fell asleep and then after many hours awoke again and was able to express my sadness to my mother, and even though at the young age of ten with the biggest dream I had of be normal was broken, I knew my mom choose the right decision.

After days in the hospital it was time to go home. We took the long trip home and finally arrived there tiered and in pain. We had to go back and forth to Montreal every week it was quite tiring and there wasn't a lot of fun, however we did get to try out new restaurants and I did get to meet the kids which was the fun parts about going to the hospital. I really liked the room that they used to do the school in. There were many children there that were there for years and would do school work.

After some time we were going to go to the city for a little trip as a family. I was self-conscious about how I must look and with others eyes darting at my legs as people whispered to each other or made rude remarks to my mother. My older sister, who was my best friend while growing up told me she will wheel me in my wheelchair. I told her it was ok. She said “why because you are worried about what others think?” I remained silent. She grabbed the wheelchair and started zooming me through the mall doing pop wheels as we laughed and had so much fun.

I continued after that having several other surgeries on my feet and on my hand. But one of the last surgeries I had was in elementary school. After that I decided I wanted to take a break, that I didn't want to go for another surgery again. I had become tired and sick of going in and out of surgeries and having no proper results through all that pain. I did however go for one more surgery just before I was eighteen which was just before I moved out of my mother and father's home. All those surgeries never fixed it and I was never considered normal to the majority of people, however you will later see in the upcoming chapters that people define normal by the physical appearance and I define normal a different way.

Junior High-High School

I remember I was in grade eight and was confirmed as a Lutheran. For those that may not be aware of what confirmation means, it is a sacrament, ritual or rite of passage practised by several Christian denominations. The word means strengthening or deepening one's relationship with God. So just prior to confirmation I approached my pastor and privately asked her if I could be confirmed if I didn't really believe in the crucifixion because I wasn't able to wrap my mind around God putting His only son to die for us. God is almighty and Merciful I just wasn't able to believe He had to do such a thing to forgive us all! Remember as a Christian they believe in an original sin that was passed down to every baby born, this issue is out of our scope so I won't go into great details about it.

Anyways I was confirmed and we went on a huge trip across the province entering into the next province beside us. It was my first time away from my family which was a very long and far trip. I remember on that trip I went to go and purchase some food but as I did I found out that my card wasn't working, it was my first time using a card. I was so scared and worried but Al-hamdulil-Lah it all turned out to be just fine but I had a lot of anxiety about money after that. This trip was a trip with the church people that were all around my age and a friend I had grown up with who came with me on that trip. The trip went well and we returned back home.

I started my ninth year in high school with all the friends I came with from elementary. We all stayed friends for half the year but then at one point everything changed. I became very depressed and even though nothing really happened in the group of friends, I just felt like I couldn't fit in anymore. I remember crying to my mom one night and she told me to stay home the next day. I did just that and a person that I was going to school with in high school, but I didn't really talk to her prior, ended up becoming my good friend we both were about the age of fifteen. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd just trying to impress the group of friends I was in. I wore what they wore and went along with them. I just wanted to be normal, I was seeking something and at the time I thought it was having boyfriend. At one point I became depressed and lost hope in life.

At this point in my life I felt very alone even though I had a group of friends by now I felt alone. It wasn't a good change in my life I started hanging out with the group that eventually lead me down a very dark past. I started SI (self-inflicting). It started off only sometimes and gradually became where I was doing it all the time and sometimes just out of habit. The depression just kept getting worse and I was SI a lot especially due to the relationship I was in which was not a good one. I was at my lowest time in my life, I felt ugly, I was being put as just another object in the relationship and was being cheated on every time I turned around. I started having many suicidal thoughts, and attempted it once.

Through those years leading up to my graduation I struggled with eating disorder, dieting and truly hating myself. I wore clothing that made me feel what I thought at the time great and beautiful. To be completely honest here I wore those clothes because I was seeking for some kind of attention and yes from the opposite gender. This attention I thought would ease my idea in my mind that I was ugly, however it never did and in fact made it all worse. My mother tried to take me to a child crisis center but before that I had to go through the emergency. I actually didn't know what was going on until I was there it was all done as a secret so that I wouldn't say no and refuse to go.

As I was sitting in the little room I remember looking around and I knew why I was there. I started wondering what I could use to hurt myself. Anyways I talked to the woman and we left. That crisis center was of no help for my parents or for myself. I continued going through several other counsellors one being a pastor at a church and another being the women's resource center. It was not lack of these people's wants to help me but I wasn't wanting the help, at that time in my life I really didn't want to live. What kept me going was some hope that it would all get better. As I continued to struggle with my depression this takes me into my next part of my life, a life outside my parents home.
‘

Leaving my Family for the big City

Eventually at eighteen I moved out and due to my lack of loving myself and always hating my body I left my home and family for city life with a man I was never truly happy with, whom I had been with since I was sixteen, but our relationship was on and off a lot. I eventually accepted my differences to a point and decided that I would leave it up to God on weather my children would be given the gene that caused my genetic syndrome. Soon after my decision I ended up pregnant and after a while when I was still pregnant I wanted to become religious. I started searching for a church I could fit in, I wanted something for my child that I never had really. I wanted my child to be raised in a very religious home. But to no avail I was left empty handed as I searched church to church.

There was a church I remember that was a church which had been on TV and my mother use to talk about it, so I started to go there. When I left I realized that they had a café inside the area to leave. The café was one I had looked into before and since they supported an organization that helped oppressors I had boycotted them. I had gone to the pastor and introduce myself. I asked him if he had known that specific company was supporting such things. He kind of shrugged it off, I tried to explain to him the stuff that I had found out online and that it wasn't right to have in a church. He still continues to try to shrug it off and I didn't like that so I left the church and we didn't go back.

After that I tried yet another church it was more of a church I would have grown up around, you know the normal hymns and church service that is normally thought of when you think of a Christian church. To make this long story short I had started going there before I had my first son and even after I had my first son we continued to go. My son had been baptized there. But after an event there claims were made that someone we had known and was family with had stolen something from the church. We tried to explain that nothing like that had happened and even let them investigate it but just due to their claims and the rudeness that they had towards us we again left that church quite disappointed.

So I decided that I would take a break from going from church to church and just kind of accepted the fact that I would never really fit in or ever feel comfortable in any church. I struggled with baby blues and feeling alone. Even thought I was married through this period I was left alone a lot and sometimes that was a good thing, but I kept on catching him in so many lies and letters of him cheating on me. I had still been hurting myself but this was slowing down. And with that I will go into the next part of my life, my convert story.

My Convert Story

This summer marks my ten years! I converted in the hottest time of the year, August of 2008. I came to Islam through a Sunni sister who even till today I appreciate due to her teaching me about Allah and mostly about the eye open conversations about my own religion which at that time was Christianity. I came to her due to a religious racism problem in the building and wanted to help her as I was a caretaker to that building. When I approached her she only shook my hand and not the other caretakers hand who was a male, due to her religion. I was surprised and I asked about it. I was intrigued that she as a woman did not shake his hand.

Actually growing up I never believed it was right to mix with opposite gender when you were with someone. And I had disliked the idea of looking at other men while with someone or vice versa. It wasn't my parents teachings that made me believe this way but just something I felt within myself, what I didn't know then was the inner inclination to segregation. Anyways her reply was that due to her religion she did not shake hands with men that were not her family. I spent many late night eating dinner with her talking about religion. I went to her apartment almost every day. I remember I would bring up many things about Islam and she would turn it around and say things like didn't you know that was in Christianity too?

However usually these things would be worse in Christianity than Islam such as the allowance for more than one wife (Islam allows up to four if the man can treat them justly and Christianity has no set limit) or the rights of woman in the religion (I thought Christianity allowed woman and man to be exactly equal but it seems that Islam not only allows equality in the spiritual rants but woman were raised higher in Islam, that even heaven lies under the feet of the mother) or the love we have for Jesus (well this argument I thought I had in the bag but it seemed that to believe in the Christian faith is to actually believe Jesus was God in flesh and for me that seemed irrational).

Anyways due to immigration they had to leave the country and it was a sad goodbye. I spent months after reading and reflecting on my religious aspect of life. I had read the whole Quran and fell in love, it spoke to me, it just made sense. I knew this beautiful book must have been truth, and knowing that prophet Muhammad was actually mentioned in the Bible it was my turning point. I remember the day I decided not to be a Christian anymore, it is clear in my mind exactly how I felt and where I was.

I was sitting on my bed in the hot sun. The sun was shining through the window. At that moment I realised I could no longer be a Christian, I had rejected fundamental things that made me a Christian like trinity, crucifixion and God having a son. I was at that moment scared, worried and felt alone. All I could think about was if I became a Muslim I could potentially lose all my friends and family. I kept jolting from one thought to the next on what it would be like to be a Muslim. I knew I couldn't hide it because Islam told me to wear hijab. Then between leaving Christianity and becoming a Muslim I felt I was in limbo between these two ways of life, it became clear at that moment that I truly believed in the Islamic faith and that I would just have to do it because I couldn't go on my life any other way, and in some way in my heart I felt as though I had already became a Muslim.

So in obedience to the rules I put on my hijab and for the first time walked out of the house wearing my hijab that the sister had left for me in case I converted. I remember going onto the city bus and worried how others would take it. To my surprise in twenty-one years of my life I had never been treated with respect but always just an object. The bus driver was a male who I had seen many times before. That day when I got off he said “ma'am” I was so shocked by the respect he gave and because I was in shock I only remember that word he used “ma'am”. The next Friday I went to Jummah at the Sunni mosque and did my shahada.

Several weeks went by and my parents were coming to visit I was so scared and was so new into Islam. I had no idea how to face this and if we had to go out I'd have to get dressed so I wore my hijab the whole time. I had it on when they came in and I felt so nervous. We talked for a while but they were not ok with my decision. They soon left my apartment and I felt relieved that they had known now.

Soon after we were evicted from our apartment and we had no place to go. I was pregnant with my second child and moved in with my mom. As I was living three hours away the person I was with since I was sixteen had become a Shi’a, I wanted to prove he was going down the wrong path. All I had heard about was that Shi’a’s worshiped other than Allah and they cut themselves. Since I had gone down the path of SI, and had stopped this life when I converted, I immediately thought this was a horrible sect that called themselves Muslims. I started researching and was coming across horrific pictures and videos of people hurting themselves. A Shi’a brother had then recommend “Peshwar Night”1 written by Sultan al-Wa’adhin As-Sayyid Muhammad al-Musawi ash-Shirazi. I tried to read it but with names that didn't mean much to me and the dialogue structure it was not my taste, I was not able to connect with this book so I gave it back. He then recommend and borrowed the book "Then I was Guided2" by Muhammad al-Tijani al-Samawi. It was another turning point in my life, this brothers gift to borrowing this book to me (may Allah grant him much thawab for this act) this was my change from Sunni to Shi’a but it wasn't easy, as I had been making my way into the Sunni community and had sisters whom I became very close too. I knew the choice was inevitable as I was seeking truth even if that left me alone. You may be wondering what part of this book was my turning point, well there was many parts, those parts that had numerous Sunni hadith that made your blood boil. This part was heart wrenching from his book, however one would have to read the whole book to really grasp what I am saying here. This is in regard to Ummar the Sunni believe he was second caliphate “Why did he not fear Allah when he threatened to burn Fatimah al-Zahra's house if those who refrained from voting for the successorship of the caliphate did not come out?”

“It has been said that when he was told that Fatimah was inside, he answered, "So what!" He violated the Book of Allah and the Tradition of the Prophet and passed rules and judgments during his caliphate which contradicted the texts of the Holy Qur'an and the noble Tradition of the Prophet (s.a.w.).”
Source from his book for the above hadith are found in Sunni books: Al-Imamah wal Siyasah by Ibn Qutaybah. 9. See Al-Nass wal-Ijtihad by Abdul Husayn Sharaf al-Din.”3

I will also share one more part of the book then leave it up to you to read if you would like to truly grasp its knowledge and understanding and why it was my turning point to Sunni from Shi’a Islam.

“Allah - the Most High says in His Glorious Book:

"And Muhammad is no more than a messenger, the messengers have already passed away before him, if then he dies or is killed, will you turn back upon your heels? And whoever turns back upon his heels, he will by no means do harm to Allah in the least, and Allah will reward the grateful." Allah, the Great, has told the truth (Holy Qur'an, 3:144).

This Qur'anic verse is clear about how the Companions will turn back upon their heels, and only a few will stand their ground, as the above Qur'anic verse indicated in the expression of Allah about them. Those who stand their ground and do not turn back are the grateful, for the grateful are only a small minority, as in the words of Allah- the Most High:

"And very few of My servants are grateful" (Holy Quran , 34:13).

Also there are many sayings of the Holy Prophet (S) which explain the "turning back," and we will refer to some of them, and even if Allah, the Most High, did not specify the punishment of those who turned back on their heels in this Qur'anic verse: He glorified the grateful who deserve His reward. However, it is important to know that those who turned back on their heels do not deserve the reward of Allah and His forgiveness….”

I will also add this piece to make you more aware of what I am alluding too from the previous selected piece I have chosen from the book “Then I Was Guided”. “Allah, the most High, said:

"Has not the time yet come for those who believe that their hearts should be submissive for the remembrance of Allah and what has come down of the truth? And (that) they should not be like those who were given the book before, but the time became prolonged to them, so their hearts hardened, and most of them are transgressors.” (Holy Qur'an, 57:16).

In al-Durr al-Manthur by Jalal al-Din al-Suyuti, the author says: “When the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (S) came to al-Medinah and started to enjoy a higher standard of living after having lived through many hardships, they seemed to slow down, so they were punished for that, and hence the verse ‘Has not the time yet come for those who believe’ was revealed.”

Another version of the story, which came from the Prophet (S), was that Allah, the Most High, found some reluctance in the Muhajireen seventeen years after the first revelation of the Holy Qur'an, and therefore Allah revealed the verse "Has not the time yet come for those who believe.” If those Companions, who are the best people according to the Sunnis, did not feel humble before the name of Allah or His right revelation of seventeen years, so that Allah found them slowing down, and rebuked and warned them for their hardened hearts which were leading them to corruption, we cannot blame the people of Quraysh who only entered Islam in the seventh Hijri year after the conquest of Makkah. These were some examples which I have selected from the Glorious Book of Allah which give us clear indications that not all the Companions were right, as the Sunnis believe.”

Now that I gave some details of the book that made me reflect on the sect I was following I want to add that after learning Shi’a Islam from proper sources I came to realize that they are not allowed to cut themselves all over the place and they do not worship Imam Ali. This was a sect that worshiped One God, Allah and they followed the 12 imams after the Messengers demise which had been appointed in a hadith that all Sunni and Shi’a agree on. Anyways I will jump into my next part of my life, my marriage breakdown.

My Marriage Breakdown

So as I mentioned earlier my relationship had been on and off in our marriage. Actually even prior to our marriage we were on and off which I think is quite normal in this society or at least it seemed to be. It seems that the more normal in our society now is not to even engage in the marriage part but as I was trying to become religious and I had growing up kind of religious, marriage meant something still to me. So even though the relationship was never good I still accepted the proposal for marriage and got married in spring. There was many factors to why I decided to go through on the marriage. The first was I never thought highly of myself and felt like I could only get what I had and the second reason was myself feeling sorry for the opposite side. I remember at one point when I was really sad and upset, we separated prior to our marriage once and my mom would tell me that I couldn't fix everyone. I guess I felt that things would eventually change, maybe after the marriage or the child or just after time he would realize and become mature. Here comes my next dark secrets unfolded.

Those hopes of a normal relationship or at least one were the two people weren't fight constantly, eventually started to fade away little by little after each fight, after many days of loneliness, after many late nights coming in, after becoming so distant from the person and from psychological abuse turning into physical abuse I decided to call it a quit. I had attempted many things to change our relationship, I tried counseling, talking, and even though we had two other children after the first nothing was changing for the better. It was gradually getting worse and worse. I don't know if this would be everyone's situation, there are certainly situations where I could see both people being quite serious and changing themselves.

However that wasn't this relationship and I came to realize that after many years. I had decided all those other times separating for myself but on this time it was different it wasn't just for myself it was for my children too, who I knew one of them had witnessed several of those events that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I remember a time the fight was escalating and my three kids at the time were upstairs in the house sleeping, or at least they were supposed to be. The fight turned physical and my brave little boy who was around four at the time had been sitting on the stairs quietly witnessing the whole event, he came down half way and started verbally defending me, the fight ended there and he left the home angry. I had to calm my little boy down and take him upstairs to bed, trying to play it off like everything was ok. He eventually went to sleep and I was left like all the other times cleaning up the mess.

I was still very much alone and I felt upset at everything. My life seemed daunting due to my living arrangements and unstable relationship. My marriage was worse than ever. I never felt happy and I was depressed and angry. So the third time of us separating homes we separated for good, ending in a divorce that was after a long wait in getting my Islamic divorce. I felt free, I felt a weight was taken off me. Even though community was saying not to and encouraging me otherwise, I couldn't do it anymore. I truly understand why they tried to help, and as they didn't really understand the situation in our home their advice was from the heart. I'll end this huge transition of my life to say, I did what I truly felt was my only option and I would never take it back, they say it is disliked by Allah but I truly believe in my situation it had become wajib.

I want to mention here that I don't encourage others to get divorced but my situation it called for it. I encourage those going through a rough marriage is to exhaust all means and trying to mend it seeking out counseling. I tried to get as much help in order to fix it but with all that and more mine failed. I do want to add in here is if your being abused don't stay silent, seek out help immediately. This brings me to the next journey in my life, the roller coaster to happiness.

My Soul Mate

Starting a life after divorce is never easy. Not only did I have to be alone, which I had not been single since I was 16 and then at the time of my divorce I was 25. My religious state was very rocky not in belief but on the practical side of the religion. I had no time since I had become a Muslim to learn much of the religion. I had three kids who needed me more now than ever. Since it had been implemented in my head at that point that I would never marry again due to no other man would want a divorced woman, especially one with three kids from a previous marriage, I set off trying to satisfy my children.

I remember talking to a sister on the phone while I was going through my divorce, she had helped me feel like I wasn't alone as she too had gone through a divorce. I remember her telling me that my kids got only me to rely on now and to show them that their mother is strong and can provide for them. So with that thought in my mind I found my way to collage where I learnt how to become an Education Assistance in six months.

Before I jump into my next part of life, which I would like to call the better part of me, I want to say that this sister with her heart in the right place and reflecting back I think she truly felt this was my best option, maybe because she had come from another country in which one would have to return back to work and support the family. However in my situation I had support through government at the time and if I could go back it's something I wouldn't do again. My kids needed me more than they needed new clothes and fancy things. My heart broke dropping off my babies at daycare as my youngest was only two.

Anyways before graduating college I met a man who became my husband Al-hamdulil-Lah. He was from America and I remember prior to meeting him I said "I would never marry an America and especially not a convert." Well Allah had a much better plan than I. We did muta’ as it was halal and this was the first thing I did sincerely for Allah with no strings attached. You may think I put hijab on for Allah, but secretly I loved the idea of hijab so it was mixed between obeying Allah and myself. Anyways I broke the cliché of man asking and I asked him, of course he agreed. A couple months later after talking and getting to know one another he came to Canada to meet me for the first time. It was a visit that was set to be for two weeks but as we got to know each other so we extended his stay. Anyways I was nervous. I had talked to him but I was twenty-six at the time and this was very new to me. I remember my mom calling to ask what I was up to, I hadn't fully told them I met someone. I told her I was meeting up with someone who I had been with and that he was from America. She let me go then and didn't call until a week after to see what I was up to. This became a little joke on my part because what if the man was a crazy person she would wait one week to see if I was still alive. Anyways it turned out Al-hamdulil-Lah and we did nika’ through a very nice, honestly and humble great Shiekh, may Allah bless him in dunya and akhira.

Marrying my husband was truly a great blessing not only did someone want to marry me and I was lonely but with natural wants to have a companionship it satisfied this need. He was not only satisfying in the way of companionship but he made me flourish through his words at comforting me that I was only his and he would constantly tell me from the start that I had a beautiful soul so let in out as I had nothing to worry about anymore. I watched him lower his eyes and seek knowledge. I started to pray which sadly I had left off prior to being with him. I started learning little by little the fiqh, tawheed and all the other parts to Islam. He taught me a lot and I have many reasons to say Al-hamdulil-Lah. But a huge part of my life I could truly throw away and that was feeling I was never enough. I felt happy and blessed. He helped to bring that thirst of knowledge out. My husband helped bring out the love for myself I never had.

My husband had wanted to go to howza since I could remember and due to him coming here this would turn out not to be possible, however I knew he was really wanting this so I found a howza online that was free (bonus to us as we had no money to pay for one). He started there while I was pregnant with my fourth and his first. I met a sister online in this time who has become a close friend to me and had been my only friend (besides my husband) which I hadn't had for so long. We still talk till this day and she has been another blessing from Allah, inshaAllah I pray she succeeds in dunya and akhira.

We had a beautiful baby boy and soon thereafter I was pregnant with my last. I watched my husband take his journey in seeking knowledge but I hadn't had the thirst like he had, however I will discuss my search for knowledge in the coming chapters inshaAllah. Before I dive into my search for knowledge I want to tell you what my depression was like and how finding the path to salvation helped me pull away from those dark days.

Soul Depression

In this chapter I pray inshaAllah that I can convey what my depression was like in the best proper manner that only helps those suffering feel that they are not alone and to reach out for help. Also to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Depression is a hard topic as I feel to discuss because it is a very sensitive issue that many face actually statistics out there show that globally, more than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression, and close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in 15-29 year olds. That's a scary amount. My depression I had faced which I would like to call "soul depression" this title inshaAllah will become clear by the end of this chapter. I would like to add before getting into what I experienced is that I believe there is two types of depression, one the soul type (that was mine) and the second a psychological problem which can be either the brain as an organ (chemical imbalance of the brain) or the material body make-up (chemical imbalance of the blood or nerves).

The genetic syndrome I had grown up with made me feel as though I was not normal. I remember my mother had dedicated a song to me that gave me the thought that I was not perfect, nor will I ever be. She had her heart in the right place as she was just trying to comfort me through it. These surgeries however never slowed me down. I was a very active child and loved sports. However feeling though I could never be perfect made me lose hope. I went to Montreal as I had mentioned earlier which I was lead to believe they would fix me to new. After multiple surgeries as though I was a guinea pig I still was left not normal. All this was being built up as I kept it all inside for years.

As years faded by I just kept pushing through and ignoring it to a certain extent. I had tried hiding this from many people, in fact I became so well at hiding it that not even my closest friend had realized until I told her. I had not dealt with it, just kept ignoring it. I didn't understand then how much this blessing would turn out to be.

I left elementary school and headed for my years in high school. At age fifteen I became very depressed it was all of a sudden and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I left my friends and started hanging with the wrong crowd. I got lost in intoxication and trying to numb any feelings. Hurt after hurt I soon got trapped into a relationship I was not happy in. Through all the hurt and pain and on and off in this relationship I started to spin out of control. I started to self-inflict (cutting) on myself to ease the pain. My mother got quite worried and no matter what she did I was still able to do it to myself. When anyone would try to talk to me I would change the discussion. I had become good at distracting others on thinking I was ok to discussing their problems in life.

I was not ok, my soul was being hurt. However I was only concentrating on the material perfection in life. I contemplated on suicide and at one point had a bottle of pills in my hand struggling between my soul saying this is wrong to wanting it all to be over.

After continuing a road that was only making me go down I ended up pregnant. After all this I went through so many rough patches in my life where I ended in a divorce. I realized at some point that I needed to change and the first thing I did for Allah was enter into a relationship that was halal. With a new marriage I realised so much about Islam. I developed a relationship with Allah, even though it wasn't perfect I knew that all my depression from the past was a soul depression. Once I found Allah and once I found meaning to live and it's TRUE meaning to life, the depression fell like sand through the tips of my fingers. It started going away and eventually it was gone. Even if I go through tests in life I know that Allah is the only One I can turn too.

In my humble opinion I think a lot of us go through this type of depression, of course not all of us. We have a sense that there is no meaning to life and we haven't found Allah. Of course as I stated earlier there is always the second type of depression which affect one psychologically and this is a different story as one may need proper medication or diet to help in that regards to this type. If you or someone you know is facing depression try not to do self-diagnosing please go talk to your local sheikh and your doctor. But I still think we can fix the body with medication and we will still on top of it need to fix our relationship with Allah (SwT).

My Daughter

I wanted to write a chapter about my daughter. You may think why? What is so important about her that has made me write a chapter about her. Well even though this is my life story she has been part of this beautiful journey in life. When I tell you her story you may come to see why I added her story in here inshaAllah. This story is when she was four years old. She was the cutest little girl, so sweet with blonde hair and blue eyes. I was in college at the time when she went to go give her father a high five. He said “what is wrong with her hand?” I immediately took her hand and examined “both of them.” I noticed they were bent a bit. I was confused and I knew it didn't look like an injury.

Her father was to make an appointment and take her to the doctors but as weeks went by no notice of him doing so was happening. In between this time I was in school and my new husband had come to Canada to visit me. We talked about what we should do and I decided that I didn't want to wait any longer to see what's wrong. I took the day off school and we both took her into the doctor's office. The doctor told us we would get into specialist faster if we take her through the emergency department. I don't think she knew what was going on and this is why she advised these steps. Anyways we made our way to the other side of the city so that we could go into the Children's Emergency Center. We waited a long time but then her name was called. A doctor came in examined her and then went and got several other doctors.

After a while the one doctor said to me “we are not exactly sure what is wrong but it looks like maybe a muscle deterioration disease.” I couldn't believe what I heard, my hope's for my daughter started flickering in my mind, her teen life, her never walking, not talking or being able to eat herself, the hope to see her married one day and her life in hardship. I couldn't stop thinking of her life coming to an end sooner than I would ever wanted. We left the hospital as I was in tears.

The next day in college we were talking about muscle deterioration diseases and I broke down leaving the class, eventually leaving college for the day. Days and weeks flew by and by the time I knew it was time for her first physiotherapy appointment. My husband and I took her in. As the doctor came in to do stretches on her she said “I think I know what this is?” I asked “what?” she continued to tell us “I have only seen this a few times in my life but it looks like scleroderma.” She left the room and I grabbed my phone out trying to search this word up as I had never before heard of it. Well I am sure you know what Google does when you search a disease or anything for that matter is that you get the worst case scenario out there. That's what I got! All I kept thinking at the moment was if this was true then my daughter at a very young age would soon be turned to stone! This is all I could find is that she would lose all abilities and all her body and organs would turn hard and she would die from an organ failure. I just couldn't believe this, my four year old beautiful girl who seemed fine besides her hands was going to eventually become unrecognizable.

After some weeks we finally got in to see a rheumatologist and after a few minutes of examining her she said “yes it definitely is scleroderma.” I was in shock but also relieved we got some answers. She said she would need to run some blood work in order to see what type she had. So with that she was also placed on methotrexate. After two weeks we went in and she had not improved so they also put her on prednisone. We wanted to attack this disease at full force and stop any other damage from it, we also got the better news that it was only localized scleroderma. So for those who do not know what this is, scleroderma means “hard skin.” Children with localized scleroderma often have involvement of the tissues below the skin, including muscle and bone. Besides the skin hardening, there can be changes in skin color and texture, and the underlying tissues may fail to grow normally. However the good news about this type is that she would not die from it.

After years of treatment and many doctors’ appointments at the age of seven they took her off all medication and she has still slowly improved even after this. She has been a very big inspiration in my life as I seen my little girl so bravely go through needle after needle and be so strong in it all. She has become a strong individual and I pray she continues to make Allah happy. I have now seen just a glimpse of what my mother must have gone through with me. Allah bless my mother! Before I go into my next part of life, my life in hijab I will share my poem I dedicated to her.

Her
Her inner beauty in the world can take.
For sensitive eyes as blue as the lake.

Her sweet smile your heart will melt.
Her soft hugs it's a feeling no one has felt.

Her princess like hair so blonde with gentle curls.
Her heart so loving that's why it's a devastating whirl.

Forever in my prayers, forever in my eyes.
Dear sweet princess how does the time fly.

My little girl times will be hard to come.
Please always remember to have some fun.

Pray to God and give Him your life.
One day I pray to see you as a beautiful wife.

Don't be sad, God knows best.
Now lay down next to me, it's time to rest.

My Hijab

"Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do." Quran 24:30

"And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their head covers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed." (Quran , 24:31)

I am sure we have all heard these ayats before. In this chapter I wanted to not only share my hijab but I wanted it to be an educational part of my book for my sisters and brothers reading my book. I want to emphasize on both men and woman lowering their gaze and guarding themselves against indecent actions. It is easy for us to read Quran but to really read it is to reflect and act upon it. When we are out in this society where looking is seen as normal behaviour, even if some dislikes it no one stops it and not many try to prevent it.

Actually it is seen as the lookers fault completely even if one is not dressing right and has provoked such indecent looks. Many of my readers may even say that they don't have bad intentions when looking at non mahram, however it is so emphasized in Islam to lower the gaze and guard our private parts. So the question arises why? Well in a world where desires are handed out for all to lust over we need to really reflect on our own actions. First how to prevent indecent looks from others towards ourselves. We should first see what we are wearing, are we covered properly or has bad thoughts entered our minds on dressing to impress!

If we are not doing our part to help others not fall into sin then we should certainly take the first step in covering properly. Hijab has been discussed a lot so you can look into your marjas answers to hijab requirements. Secondly we should see if we are lowering our eyes from non-mahram. Even if we don't have bad intentions we should still reduce our eyes as the look can penetrate and cause harm for either side spiritually.

Imam Ali AS said "the eye is the spy of the heart and the messenger of the intellect."
Thirdly we should not be in mixed gatherings and should segregate ourselves from non-mahram.

The Holy Prophet (S) said "segregate men from women, provider confronting each other, frequenting with one another, the society will be afflicted with a cureless pain."
We cannot be friends with the opposite gender. We use terms in Islam like "my sister" and "my brother" to show a unity in a religious community. This phrase is to say that we are all one in belief and are to stay united with each other. It is not a phrase to make you feel like your brother and sister are like real ones... this is a bad culture that started this by having non-mahrams call each other brother and sister and act as though they are your real ones by hugging and mingling. This is a trick from shaytan and we need to be on guard for such thoughts.

The Holy Prophet (S) said "a needle striking with full force on your head is better than touching a woman who is not mahram to you."

We should always be on guard for shaytan can whisper to us and this faculty is strong in us, that is to be with opposite gender for obvious reasons (having children and giving marital rights properly) but we need to be careful we don't fall into sins with this desire being so strong. Many people have been destroyed because they did not regulate this power of the soul correctly. May Allah (SwT) protect us all from falling into the traps of shaytan. May He help us to gain a firm virtue in chastity and be strong in our faith in obedience to Him. Ameen!

In this part of my book I want to dedicate to all my dear sister out there. This is a very sensitive issue and I ask Allah to help guide my words so that it doesn't offend anyone. I only speak from a woman who has gone through wearing hijab to pretty much removing it and then to coming back wearing it. I started wearing hijab because of Allah and I secretly loved the look of hijab, but I started removing it because I did not like what I looked like underneath and I was seeking attention for someone to say I was beautiful, I had no comfort in feeling secure in the relationship I was in. So I competed against wearing hijab and trying to look like the women in the west. It was such a horrible state I was in as I never felt good enough. And to be very honest here, as I have tried to be throughout my book about myself, it was starting to become easy in removing hijab.

Why because I started seeing other sisters doing so and because I had weak faith, it didn't take much for this part of obedience to start crumbling. I displayed my body and all the sick men were looking. I just wanted that love and I truly was seeking someone to care for me and to be real I was looking for a religious man when I wasn't religious. I was backwards and upside down on how I was acting and presenting myself. I struggled a lifetime of trying to be beautiful but neglected the main thing, my soul.

I just wanted to say here before getting into my hijab in my life was that I am sure you know you're not alone and that seeking Allah's pleasure is much more important, and Allah's pleasure is actually the only important part in your life, not seeking man's pleasure. Every woman wants love and every woman wants to be beautiful this is our natural want, and we are created this way as a woman to want to look beautiful. However like all part of our lives this should be in a proper place and directed a proper way, it needs justice.

So my personal hijab, well as I stated earlier I had gone from strictly wearing hijab to almost removing it completely. A part of me knew it was wrong but I was weak and I was easy prey for shaytan. After my second marriage had begun I realized I wanted to learn about the religion and after some time learning about the religion I decided to put on my abaya, I felt comfortable and free. After years of wearing hijab and abaya I look back at pictures and become very sad that I didn't have proper hijab throughout. I have realized that there are many sisters in the exact shoes as I were in and that is they had removed or never did put hijab on. I realized just like I needed education, other sisters too needed to have education. I want to dedicate a huge part of my life to helping others get educated so we can all please Allah (SwT). I hope that I have in some way helped someone out there to know they are not alone and that there is others that are or have gone through what they may be going through. And at this I want to jump into the last chapter of this book, in which I started to find salvation.

My Search for Studies

I was content for a long time in just following the basic rules until one day I had the urge to join al Mustafa in their ethics MA. I started up and in the second semester a Shiekh told me it would be very highly advisable to go and do lower level howza first then return. I was sad to be honest but I was struggling in understand a lot. My husband had found a school online free that had a diploma level which will help to continue into howza more tangible, so we joined together and now Al-hamdulil-Lah I have graduated from Quran and Etrat Online University. This school has taught me so much! I have also got the humble opportunity to now teach there. I can never thank them enough. May Allah (SwT) shower them all with many blessing and Al-hamdulil-Lah along the way I have gained a very close friend, who is also my Islamic sister and my teacher, Allah bless her in dunya and akhira. As well as I am studying at Kawther Learning Circle which is done by Sheikh Shomali, and have joint Jaffer Online Institute which is runned by Sheikh Jaffer. I have Al-hamdulil-Lah learned so much through there lectures online.

So I want to write my last piece to this book, and then end it with my conclusion. If you are still reading and I hope many of you have continued to this last piece, I want to express what the path to salvation was for me, and for all of you!

This path is none other than what I have eluded to all along and that is to find true happiness, to find Allah, not just know He exists but to fall in love with our Creator and those whom He Loves. This love for our Creator will easily manifest our love to the Holy Prophet (S) and his Ahlulbayt (as). This love comes from learning and obeying all that was sent to us from Him. When we put our whole heart into this relationship with Allah (SwT) everything asked of us from Him becomes easy.

The more we learn, the more we will gain a greater connection to Allah (SwT) and this true love will produce the correct actions. Now where am I on this journey to reaching true salvation? I have just begun really. I am a servant of Allah (SwT) that is still trying to learn and rid this low self of its sinful state. The difference from me then and to me now is that I know that if I am knocked down I must get back up or else no one else will be the loser only myself. I pray that we all start this path to reaching salvation.

It is hard when we start but once we get the ball going to obeying Allah (SwT) and seeking the knowledge that help us act in appropriate manners, this will start to become easier and easier with the help of Allah (SwT). So why not start now? Why not reach out and seek some type of Islamic knowledge and do it with the hope's that Allah (SwT) will bring you closer to Him. If you know some rules like halal and haram start off there because this is a must to first learn then obey. We need to remember that we cannot override Allah's commands and do our own thing. This is the very start to us reaching salvation, to reaching true happiness and this is to know Allah (SwT). May Allah (SwT) grant us this salvation! Ameen.

Conclusion

So to end my book in which I would like to write in point form all the minority statistic I am, just for fun:
* Méti: convert
* Divorced and Muslim (which I don't endorse and highly emphasize to seek all means possible to help your marriage however there is times it becomes wajib please if you are in a situation where your thinking divorce seek out a Sheikh for help)
*Re-married
* Went from hijab to pretty much no hijab, to finding true hijab (not so sure if this is one but wanted to throw it in here).
* Seven people to my family (that's got to be a minority statistic out there)
* Convert online Islamic student

InshaAllah I hope this helps others who not only are converts to Islam but I pray it helps many brothers and sisters out there that may be in the same situations as I had and knowing there is light at the end of these hardships.

“Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.”( Quran, 94:6).

May Allah bless you all and keep you safe and inshaAllah He helps all of you find the true happiness in life! Ameen.

1. https://www.al-islam.org/peshawar-nights-sayyid-muhammad-al-musawi-al-sh... [6]

2. https://www.al-islam.org/then-i-was-guided-muhammad-al-tijani-al-samawi [7]

3. https://www.al-islam.org/al-nass-wal-ijtihad-text-and-interpretation-abd... [8]

Topic Tags:

Conversion Story [5]

Author(s):

Zaynab McCabe [1]

Source URL: https://www.al-islam.org/my-journey-finding-salvation-zaynab-mccabe

Links
[1] https://www.al-islam.org/person/zaynab-mccabe
[2] https://www.al-islam.org/printpdf/book/export/html/101710
[3] https://www.al-islam.org/printepub/book/export/html/101710
[4] https://www.al-islam.org/printmobi/book/export/html/101710
[5] https://www.al-islam.org/tags/conversion-story
[6] https://www.al-islam.org/peshawar-nights-sayyid-muhammad-al-musawi-al-shirazi
[7] https://www.al-islam.org/then-i-was-guided-muhammad-al-tijani-al-samawi
[8] https://www.al-islam.org/al-nass-wal-ijtihad-text-and-interpretation-abd-al-husayn-sharaf-al-din-al-musawi